Finding My True Happy-Mess
My life may not pass the white glove test, but I am learning to love my true happy mess!
It’s time to come clean. I am a mess. There is a really good reason that I am always self-helping myself. That’s because I need it! I have been blogging for about six months on happiness, simplicity, minimalism, wellness and overall betterness but have only scratched the surface. It’s time for me to stop sweeping dirt under my rug.
In 2005 I was five years into pursuing an acting career in Hollywood and had not “made it”. I had gone through a divorce and could not seem to find the relationship of my dreams. I was running out of money, was going into debt and had two (two!) sociopathic friends who hurt me very deeply. My life was not what I wanted it to be. I felt alone, wounded and scared for my future.
Then I went to my first Tony Robbins seminar. I had never felt so much energy and happiness in my life! I liked it so much that I worked on the crew for several seminars. I was there for motivation and support. I was there to help people better their lives. I was there to help people face their fears and walk across hot coals! This work gave me a taste of what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to continue to help people with their lives but I felt I had to become my own success story before I could help others. I did not feel qualified or worthy to teach or coach others in life because I was not a success. Who would take advice from a divorced, broke, out of work actor with a bad taste in friends? I also smoked cigarettes and drank too much. I had always been interested in self-improvement, but after my Tony Robbins experiences I really pumped it up and spent the next eight years reading, researching, studying, chanting, goal setting, and self-helping the living help out of myself. I was building up a lot of knowledge, but my life needed a good spit shine before I would feel ready to get into the nitty-gritty of people’s lives.
After years of cleaning house I found the relationship I had always wanted, a job I liked making good money and wonderful friends. I was out of debt and even saving money. I stopped smoking, drank less and led a healthy lifestyle. Then I discovered the idea of minimalism and simple living. Like gangsta busters I started removing the excess from my home and life and I started to reap the rewards of my actions right away. I was working hard to need less instead of making more money. I was proud of myself for the lessons I had learned and was applying these lessons to my life. I finally felt like an expert at something. I was ready to start my blog and do meaningful work helping people with their lives. I finally felt good enough.
When we had to move I realized again that I was not where I wanted to be. I saw the boxes that we had as excess and had to be reminded again and again by my husband how far that we have come. I went back and forth between feeling stressed out about moving and even more stressed out about the fact that I was stressed out. Moving was the perfect opportunity to put my expertise to work, and I dwelled on how much stuff that we still owned and felt like a fraud to my Live Big and Small Community. Moving into a very small space would not be realistic for us. I believed that this was another lesson; however I was not actually learning it. I felt like a failure.
I reached out to my husband and my new life coach about how I was feeling. As I spoke the answers were already there. I may never “make it” but I have made it this far. Instead of rolling my eyes at new lessons, I am going to invite them to teach me what I need to learn. I may be flawed but I can still be a good example of how to live a simple and meaningful life and help others do the same. I may feel disappointed in myself sometimes but I have faith that I will pick myself up again and keep on working and trying. I know how to be happy even when things aren’t perfect and I am going to try very hard to be easier on myself, be proud of myself and to stop expecting perfection. My life may not pass the white glove test, but I am learning to love my true happy mess!